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(The Original Greats)  Stan Laurel and Oliver Hardy

But now we have the,
(The original democrat party)
Laurel and Hardy
What a pair to draw too.

Seniors Speak Out
~~~~~

SOME REAL TRUTHS.

Senior citizens are constantly being criticized for every conceivable deficiency of 
the modern world, real or imaginary.

We know we take responsibility for all we have done and do not blame others.

BUT, upon reflection, we would like to point out that it was 
NOT
the senior citizens who took:
~~~ 
The melody out of music,

The pride out of appearance,

The romance out of love,

The commitment out of marriage,

The responsibility out of parenthood,

The togetherness out of the family,

The learning out of education,

     The service out of patriotism,

The religion out of school,

    The Golden Rule from rulers,

The nativity scene out of cities,

 The civility out of behavior,

The refinement out of language,

    The dedication out of employment,

The prudence out of spending,

or

 The ambition out of achievement. 

~~~
And we certainly are NOT the ones who eliminated patience and 
tolerance from personal relationships and interactions with others!!!

Does anyone under the age of 50 know the lyrics to the Star Spangled Banner?

 Just look at the Seniors with tears in their eyes and pride in their hearts 
as they stand at attention with their hand over their hearts!

Remember.......Inside every older person is a younger person 
wondering what the heck happened!

~~~~~

YES, I'M A SENIOR CITIZEN!
The life of the party...even if it only lasts until 8 p.m.

I'm very good at opening childproof caps with a hammer.

I'm usually interested in going home 
before I get to where I am going.

I'm awake many hours before my
 body allows me to get up.

I'm smiling all the time because 
I can't hear a thing you're saying.

I'm very good at telling stories; 
over and over and over and over...

I'm aware that other people's grandchildren
 are not as cute as mine.

I'm so cared for -- long term care, eye care,
 private care, dental care.

~~~~~

I'm not grouchy, I just don't like traffic, waiting,
crowds, lawyers, loud music, unruly kids, Toyota
commercials, Tom Brokaw, Dan Rather, barking dogs,
politicians and a few other things I can't remember.

I'm sure everything I can't find is in a secure place.

I'm wrinkled, saggy, lumpy, and that's just my left leg.

I'm having trouble remembering simple words like.......

I'm realizing that aging is not for wimps.

I'm sure they are making adults much younger these
days, and when did they let kids become policemen?

I'm wondering, if you're only as old as you feel, how
could I be alive at 150?

I'm a walking storeroom of facts.....
I've just lost the key to the storeroom door.

Yes, I'm a SENIOR CITIZEN and... 
I think I am having the time of my life!

~~~~~~~~~~

Boy What a Skiing Trip.

Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the humor of the 
slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper. 

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of 
story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart. 

Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes, basic numbness 
all over, the "tell me when we're having fun" kind of day. One of the women 
in the group complained to her husband that she was in dire need of a restroom. 

He told her not to worry, that he was sure there was relief waiting at the 
top of the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in distress. 

He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go away. If you've ever had 
nature hit its panic button in you, then you know that a temperature of 12 
below zero doesn't help matters. 

So, with time running out, the woman weighed her options. Her husband, 
picking up on the intensity of her pain, suggested that since she was 
wearing an all white ski outfit, she should go off in the woods. No one 
would even notice, he assured her. The white would provide more than 
adequate camouflage. 

So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing and proceeded to do her 
thing. If you've ever parked on the side of a slope, then you know there is 
a right way and a wrong way to set your ski's so you don't move. 

Yup, you got it. She had them positioned the wrong way. Steep slopes are not 
forgiving, even during embarrassing moments. Without warning, the woman 
found herself skiing backward, out of control, racing through the trees, 
somehow missing all of them and onto another slope. 

Her derriere and her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around her 
knees, and she was picking up speed all the while. She continued on 
backwards, totally out of control, creating an unusual vista for the other 
skiers. The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under the 
lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. 

The bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to pull up her ski pants. 
At long last her husband arrived, putting an end to her nudie show, then 
went to the base of the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who 
transported her to a hospital. 

In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with an obviously broken 
leg was put in the bed next to hers. "So how'd you break your leg?" she 
asked, making small talk. 

"It was the darndest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was riding up this ski 
lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my eyes. There was this crazy woman 
skiing backward out of control down the mountain with her bare bottom 
hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around her knees. I leaned 
over to get a better look, and I guess I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I 
fell out of the lift. So, how'd you break your arm?" 

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

THE PERKS OF BEING OVER FORTY

                                  1. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
                                  2. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember
                                       them either.
                                  3. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
                                  4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
                                  5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
                                  6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
                                  7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
                                  8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.
                                  9. You can live without sex, but not without glasses. (at 40?)
                                10. You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
                                11. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
                                12. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
                                13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
                                14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks in the room.
                                15. You sing along with elevator music.
                                16. Your eyes won't get much worse.
                                17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
                                

This is a perfect example of a Consultant !

A shepherd was herding his flocks of sheep in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand new Jeep Cherokee advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver,
a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and a YSL tie leaned
out of the window and asked our shepherd: "If I can tell you exactly how many sheep
you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the yuppie, then at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly 
answers "Sure!"

The yuppie parks the car, whips out his notebook, connects it to a cell-phone, surfs
to a NASA page on the Internet where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system,
scans the area, opens up a database and some 60 Excel spreadsheets with complex 
formulas. Finally he prints out a 150 page report on his hi-tech miniaturized printer,
turns round to our shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1586 sheep!"

"This is correct,," replies the shepherd, "and, as agreed, you can take one of the 
sheep," He watches the young man make a selection and bundle it into his Cherokee.

Then he asks the yuppie, "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you
give me my sheep back?"

"Okay, why not," the young man replies.

"You are a consultant," says the shepherd.

"That is correct," says the yuppie, in amazement, "How did you guess that?"

"Easy,"   answers the shepherd. "You turn up here although nobody called you.; you
want to be paid for the answer to a question I already knew the answer to; and you 
don't know anything about my business because you took my dog."

Never fool with them Cowboy's

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals
always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When he finished his drink, he found
his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into 
the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my hoss?" he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered. "All right. I'm gonna have anotha beer, and if my hoss ain't back 
outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun back home! And I don't like to have
to do what I dun back home!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse
was back! He saddled-up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of
the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go... what did happen back home?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Them Cowboy's are Mean Dudes

A salesman of many years is tired of his job and gives it up to become a policeman.
One day, while he's walking his beat, he meets an old friend who asks him how he
likes his new work.

"Well," says the salesman-turned-cop, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad.
But what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised it's burial cost and 
blamed it on the cost of living.

Do you know what happens when you play a Country Music record backwards?  You get
your wife back, your truck back, your dog back and you stop drinking.

If absence makes the heart grow fonder, some people must really love church.

Of all the things I've lost, it's my mind I miss the most.

I thought I had a handle on life, but then it fell off.

As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in the public schools.

If you think nobody cares if you are alive...try missing a couple of car payments.

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.

3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.

4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why
    I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."

5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your pay- check
    on accessories for it.

Southern Computer Lingo

Hard Drive: Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires and a trailer load of fertilizer.

Keyboard: Place to hang your truck keys.

Window: Place in your truck to hang your guns.

Floppy: When you run out of Poli-grip.

Modem: How you got rid of your dandelions.

Byte: First word in a kiss-off phrase.

Reboot: What you do when the first pair gets covered with barnyard stuff.

Network: Activity meant to provide bait for your trout line.

Mouse: Soft, fuzzy little critter that you stuff in your beer bottle to get a free case.

LAN: To borrow, as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me your truck! "

Cursor: What some guys do when they get mad at their woman.

Bit: A wager, as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon seed across the porch long ways."

• Billboard on the side of the road: "Keep your eyes on the road and 
stop reading these signs.

• On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts. "

• In a non-smoking area: " If we see you smoking, we will assume you 
are on fire and take appropriate action.

• On maternity room door: "Push, Push, Push. "

• At an optometrists office "If you don't see what your looking for, 
you've come to the right place. "

• On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff. " 

• In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels. "

• On a fence: "Salesman welcome; Dog food is expensive. " 

• Inside a bowling alley: "Please be quiet, we need to hear a pin drop. "

• In a counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.

Ouch

An usher in a very posh theater noticed a man sprawled across three seats.
" Sorry sir, " the usher said, 
"but you're only allowed one seat."  The man groaned, but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient and said, "Sir if you don't get up from there,
I'm going to have to call the manager."  Again, the man just groaned 
which infuriated the usher who turn and marched briskly
 back up the aisle in search of his manager.

In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and 
stood over the man.  Together the two of them tried repeatedly to 
move him, "All right buddy,"  the manager said,  "what's your name?"
 "Sam, " the man moaned.  "Where did you come from, Sam?"  
With pain in his voice, Sam replied,
       "THE BALCONY."      

This is Terribly Funny and yet so very Sad. 

"How interesting to note that your sins will return to you for payment."
I just had to put these two items in this page even though it's terribly sad and 
yet it is so funny.


It's about the baby boomers generation and their offspring that they DID allow to live.
It was in a local newspaper the other day and there was this article, about how 
the boomers are complaining  that there won't be enough people in the work force,
working and paying into Social Security to maintain
 their social security payments when they are of the age to retire.

In the last 20 years or so, the baby boomer females and now any of their female 
offspring that were allowed to live, have been determined that their right to choose
(Roe verses Wade thing) to kill their unborn babies
 in the abortion mills of this country, somewhere in the 40 MILLION PLUS number
of babies now, is kind of  like the old expression,

 " THEY KILLED THE GOOSE THAT LAID THE GOLDEN EGG ."

Those babies would now, and continuing to be, becoming adults and entering 
the work force and would start paying into Social Security.

 HOW VERY INTERESTING.

Another story that was on the TV show 60 minutes on (Tuesday February 13, 2001), 
the boomers are complaining that there aren't enough Medical Nurses even today 
in the hospitals, and in the future there will be even less, and this boomer female 
was concerned and asking who was going to take care of her when she gets old
and needs a nurses care. Maybe she should have thought about that when she 
destroyed her unborn baby, that might have become a nurse.

HOW VERY INTERESTING.

This Web page was updated on October 5, 2004

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